Pile On Fred Day

Poor ole Fred Thompson; he can't even get off the porch without people sniping at him.

Today three op-ed columnists, including two whom you'd think would be happy to have yet another conservative in the race, are taking him down for his cranky staff, his stumbling start, and his sonambulance.

First is Bob Novak, who complains that the gatekeepers at the Thompson shop are keeping the best and the brightest of the right-wing campaign gurus from getting past them to make their pitch to the candidate.

Thompson's late start is not in itself a fatal flaw. Still, it had been conceded in party circles that when Thompson finally became a candidate, his beginning needed to be memorable. It was not. While Thompson offered obligatory conservative slogans in New Hampshire, Iowa and South Carolina, he was not the white knight whom worried Republican loyalists desperately desire. His debut might have been more blood-stirring had his gatekeepers not turned away talented helpers.

Staffing issues have dogged Thompson since he started; he hired and fired more people before he officially announced than some candidates use in the entire run from the primaries to the inauguration. Not a good sign.

Second is George F. Will, again someone who should be delighted to have no-nonsense conservative in the race. But he compares Mr. Thompson to New Coke:

Fred Thompson's plunge into the presidential pool -- more belly-flop than swan dive -- was the strangest product launch since that of New Coke in 1985. Then, the question was: Is this product necessary? A similar question stumped Thompson the day he plunged.

Sean Hannity, who is no Torquemada conducting inquisitions of conservatives, asked Thompson: "When you look at the other current crop of candidates -- Republicans -- where is the distinction between your positions and what you view as theirs?" Thompson replied: "Well, to tell you the truth, I haven't spent a whole lot of time going into the details of their positions."

Mr. Will also takes Fred to task for not even being sure of his own positions, including campaign finance reform. When asked by Laura Ingraham about certain provisions of the law, he gave a rambling answer that was contradictory to his own positions and sections of the law that he co-sponsored when he was in the Senate.

Thompson, contrary to his current memories, was deeply involved in expanding government restrictions on political speech generally and the ban on issue ads specifically. Yet he told Ingraham, "I voted for all of it," meaning McCain-Feingold, but said "I don't support that" provision of it.

Oh? Why, then, did he file his own brief urging the Supreme Court to uphold McCain-Feingold, stressing Congress's especially "compelling interest" in squelching issue ads that "influence" elections?

Mr. Will reminds me of one of those stern old-style professors I occasionally had in college and grad school who let you know in no uncertain terms how unimpressed they were by unprepared students and rambling bullshit in seminar discussions. One scene from The Paper Chase comes to mind: "Mister Hart, here is a dime. Take it, call your mother, and tell her there is serious doubt about you ever becoming a lawyer." I can imagine George F. Will saying that to Fred Thompson.

Gail Collins looks at the candidate and sees the need for a dose of caffeine...and a strange resonance with another one-time GOP candidate who tried the "aw-shucks" folksy routine.

He’s here. He’s tanned. He’s ready.

He looks like he needs a nap.

When it comes to overhyped underperformers, Fred Thompson’s entry into the presidential race was right up there with Britney Spears at the MTV awards.

The Republican Party’s great tall hope announced his intentions on Jay Leno’s show, and timed it to coincide with his avoidance of the candidate debate in New Hampshire. That was supposed to send the message of — what? A fear of crowds? A preference for answering questions only while seated? His performance certainly could not have been more low-key. You do not often hear somebody say “I’m running for president” in the same tone Jay’s guests use to announce that they’ve signed on for the next season of “Dancing With the Stars.”

Not exactly Mr. Excitement, and not exactly what the GOP needs right now.

This was supposed to be the answer to the Republican core’s primal pain. Find us somebody to nominate! Someone slightly less smarmy than Mitt and slightly less strange than Rudy. “My story is an American story ... a small-town kid of modest means and modest goals,” Thompson tells the voters on his Fred08 Web site. Viewers can feel free to recall that Mitt Romney’s dad was a business tycoon and governor. And you can be sure that Fred was not spending his teens founding a high-school opera club like some former New York City mayors we could name.

Thompson, by all accounts, was indeed an underachiever who rose to fame and fortune mainly through powerful friends and good luck. The perfect answer for a country reeling from two terms with an underachiever who rose to fame and fortune mainly through powerful friends and good genes. And so far at least, it’s working in the polls. An affable guy who doesn’t try hard — what could be more refreshing?

It would be all too easy to dismiss Fred Thompson as just another GOP candidate who shuffles through the campaign as a with his big toe in the sand and bland nostrums as solutions for the problems facing the country: "Baseball, hot dogs, apple pie, and Chevrolet." The problem with that is that we've fallen for it time and again, which tells you just how clever they are...or how gullible and forgetful we are.