Send in the Squirrels

The so-called "values voter" debate was held last night in Fort Lauderdale. The top four GOP candidates -- Giuliani, Thompson, McCain, and Romney -- declined the invitation, so that left it open to the second tier -- and apparently the whackiest -- of the Republican field to come down to South Florida and pander to the ignorant tight-ass base.

Jeff Fecke, fellow Shakesville contributor and keeper of The Blog of the Moderate Left live-blogged it. Suffice it to say that it was full of fear and loathing for gays, women, reproductive choice, and a lot of odd non-sequiturs about bringing America back to God before he brings fire and brimstone down from the Heavens.

I admire Jeff for being able to keep up with it and not bring up his dinner in the process. He summarized it well.

So first, who’s the winner of the debate? First off, the clear loser is the American people. That any of these people is even a potential candidate for the nomination of a major political party is truly a terrible thing to contemplate.

As for the candidates themselves? Well, taking into account audience, I’d say your winner is Ambassador Alan Keyes. Oh, sure, he was bizarre and insane, but he was bizarre and insane in the exact same way that his audience was. Huckabee acquitted himself well, and was far more memorable than Sam Brownback — Huckabee clearly is best positioned at this point to win the votes of the crazy wing of the silly party.

But the biggest winners, by far, were Freddie of Hollywood, Multiple Choice Mitt, Mayor 9/11, and John the Baptist. By not showing up, they managed to avoid a litany of answers that will get them branded insane should they get to the general election. And if Huckabee somehow gets the nomination, this debate will come back to bite him, hard. Good night, and good luck.

The comeback to this debate from the righties will be to point out that last month most of the Democratic candidates sat down for a forum with the LGBT community. Same thing, right? Pandering to a voting bloc with an agenda, and a "radical" one at that? Well, no, not exactly. The difference is that the LGBT community is about inclusion and diversity, welcoming more people into the process, not demonizing an entire class of people or proposing Constitutional amendments that would, for the first time in almost 90 years, restrict the rights of those citizens to live their lives and make their own choices. The men on the stage last night were appealing not just to the base of the Republican party but to the primal instincts of human nature that makes you afraid of those who are not exactly like you, who don't worship the way you do, and who think that exploitation of the foolish and the weak is a road to the White House.

So, other than the entertainment value of watching these losers assert their version of American Talibangelism, all last night's vaudeville routine did was affirm the fact that none of them are worthy of holding any position of power above being the night manager at a greasy-spoon diner. If that.